Star Wreck

Overheard in a Hollywood studio. SPOILERS ALERT.








Good Abrams: This reboot will be awesome. We'll create a tight script, devoid of common Trek plot holes, interesting characters, and lots of surprises. Hey, maybe even the death of some well-loved main characters to shake things up!

Evil Abrams: I hear what you're saying. But what I'm thinking is ... all the characters stay the same, more or less, and they'll say their iconic lines like 'Dammit Jim ...'. That's a classic, can't leave that out. Lots of stuff blowing up and lens flare, oh so much lens flare.

GA: Umm ... ok. Well, the easiest way to ignore the Trek canon is to simply set our movie in a different Trek universe. We know from 'Mirror, Mirror' and lots of other trek episodes that there are plenty of those.

EA: Two words: time travel. The time-line has been changed by an enemy from the future.

GA: Seriously? Time travel is like 'It was all a dream'. It's usually a big middle finger to the audience.

EA: You're too glum. Eat less prunes. An unknown supernova threatens the Romulans with destruction of their homeworld from a massive blast ...

GA: But to be that close to a star to suffer physical damage ... and not even a monitoring station. I mean, even on Earth we have earth-quake and volcano monitors. Are the Romulans descended from Republicans?

EA: Ha! Nice one. Seriously, kaboom! Spock was too late to save them with the Red Matter. A lone Romulan mining vessel remains, blasted into the past, with a motley crew and a vengeful captain. He is bent on destroying the Federation for the future death of his beloved wife.

GA: Hmm. Once in the past, Nero captures future Spock. He realizes: "save the Vulcan, save the future". Using time dilation effect from navigating his ship at relativistic speed, he returns to the future in the "blink of an eye", ship-time. He saves Romulus with the Red Matter. His only dilemma: let his future self be with his wife, or kill him and take his place.

EA: Too cerebral. Anyway, that leaves no room for the Kirk and the Gang.

GA: You're the one who wanted time travel. I'm just trying to think up the most logical course of action.

EA: What are you, Sarek? No, Nero kills George Kirk and blows up Vulcan. The Federation scrambles and sends cadets and booters from the Academy to meet this threat.

GA: Uh ... cadets and booters? Who've never even served on a starship? Where's everyone else?

EA: They're away on an emergency.

GA: The Federation is so short-staffed that they assign rookies to starships when there's 2 emergencies?!

EA: Don't worry. They'll all get blown to smithereens.

GA: I ... see. A whole fleet of red shirts.

EA: Bingo. Hot-headed James T. Kirk meets future Spock, who tells him it's his destiny to captain the Enterprise.

GA: But ... it's a different time-line. How can Spock know what's going to happen> Maybe he'll become Evil Kirk or Self-Destructive Douchebag Kirk.

EA: You're such a downer. Earth is threatened with destruction ...

GA: Let me guess. In a universe filled with nasty Klingons, Federation Earth has no planetary defences: no in-system ships, no space stations, earth-based missiles, not even a couple of sub-orbital crafts.

EA: We're spending our budgets on lens flare. Anyway, Kirk saves the day and blows away Nero ... after, of course, a bon mot or two. Hasta la vista, baby!

GA: Wait a minute ... hold on a sec. A trained military officer ignores war conventions and makes no effort to apprehend a war criminal. I mean, blowing up Vulcan, Nero's killed more people than Hitler, Stalin, and Mao combined. Don't the remaining Vulcans want some closure by putting this Nero guy on trial? Ok ... at least give Kirk a court martial for his rash actions, right?

EA: No freaking way. It's James Tiberius Kirk, bitch! He becomes captain of the Enterprise for his courage.

GA: Gahhhhh! But he hasn't even spent any time on a ship. Even the bravest war heroes only get a Medal of Honor. They don't get promoted several ranks. What kind of reboot is this?

EA: Lens flare! ... And scene.